Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Grand Wheatgrass Finale

I'm tired of it, you're tired of it, but I'm too stubborn to quit, so here we go. The remaining lies.

26 Drink Wheatgrass Juice for skin problems such as eczema or psoriasis.

Lotion does it better.

27 Wheatgrass Juice keeps the hair from graying.

Dye does it better.

28 Pyorrhea of the mouth: lay pulp of wheatgrass soaked in juice on diseased area in mouth or chew wheatgrass, spitting out the pulp.

I think the people who wrote this have pyorrhea of the mouth. Wrong -rrhea, I know, but work with me here.

29 By taking Wheatgrass Juice, one may feel a difference in strength, endurance, health, and spirituality, and experience a sense of well-being.

Or one may not. In fact, probably will not. One is more likely to feel a shudder of disgust as one tries to gulp that garbage down.

30 Wheatgrass juice improves the digestion.

Uh. How?

31 Wheatgrass juice is high in enzymes.

Enzymes. They're what plants crave.

32 Wheatgrass juice is an excellent skin cleanser and can be absorbed through the skin for nutrition. Pour green juice over your body in a tub of warm water and soak for 15 to 20 minutes. Rinse off with cold water.

Nope, I didn't make this one up. They're seriously suggesting that you bathe in wheatgrass juice. Personally, I'd recommend water and soap. I hear those are great at cleaning skin.

33 Wheatgrass implants (enemas) are great for healing and detoxifying the colon walls. The implants also heal and cleanse the internal organs. After an enema, wait 20 minutes, then implant 4 ounces of wheatgrass juice. Retain for 20 minutes.

I promise I'm not making these up. They really did tell you to hold 4 ounces of wheatgrass up your ass for 20 minutes.

34 Wheatgrass juice is great for constipation and keeping the bowels open. It is high in magnesium.

Sometimes, you want the bowels shut. It's hard to hold down a job with permanently open bowels. That said, you can probably nail two birds with one stone and just solve this problem with one of those wheatgrass enemas!

35 Dr. Birscher, a research scientist, called chlorophyll "concentrated sun power." He said, "chlorophyll increases the function of the heart, affects the vascular system, the intestines, the uterus, and the lungs."

Do a Google search for Dr. Birscher and count how many times that sentence, slightly mutated, appears. Check out the article about his findings written by... Dr. Ann Wigmore! I remember her! Wow, this is awesome. She's quoting the Bible to prove how healthy wheatgrass is. Truly scientific.

36 According to Dr. Birscher, nature uses chlorophyll (wheatgrass) as a body cleanser, rebuilder, and neutralizer of toxins.

Your body uses protein (BigMacs) to rebuild muscle! See what I did there? (Of course, my initial statement was actually true.)

37 Wheatgrass juice can dissolve the scars that are formed in the lungs from breathing acid gasses. The effect of carbon monoxide is minimized since chlorophyll increases hemoglobin production.

First of all, they misspelled gases. Second, is there any real indication that chlorophyll increases hemoglobin production? I see lots of talk about one having to do with the other, but it ranges from this to the molecules simply resembling each other.

38 Wheatgrass Juice reduces high blood pressure and enhances the capillaries.

It enhances the capillaries? What does that mean? Do they become admillaries? (Captain... Admiral... give me a break, I'm sick of this subject.)

39 Wheatgrass Juice can remove heavy metals from the body.

Immortal challenges that assertion. Be careful, they have weapons and look like scary pandas.

40 Wheatgrass juice is great for blood disorders of all kinds.

Sufferers of everything from anemia to AIDS will be thrilled.

Done! Next subject: 75 facts about astrology.

Consider yourselves lucky I didn't pick the list that suggested douching with wheatgrass.



alcyone said...

Actually, both gasses and gases are acceptable plural forms of gas. Also, I never grow tired of making fun of wheatgrass. Thanks for this series!

Q said...

Wheatgrass juice can be used to extinguish fires. Should you discover that you have just begun to immolate, you can submerge yourself in a bathtub of wheatgrass juice to retard the immolation process, perhaps halting it completely.